Probably still a mystery to the producers too, huh? But props to them for really reading the pop culture moment and deciding that the multiverse felt fresh and new, and ripe for mining here in mid-2023.
The “four universes [that] have taken over” are the Comic-verse, the Humili-verse, the Scary-verse, and the Scramble-verse. They couldn’t even make those grammatically parallel, going with two nouns, an adjective, and a verb.
Each of those was tied to a competition in the backyard. The challenges were not for HOH though. No, the big, dramatic twist was delivered to us and then to the houseguests with all the energy and excitement of filling out a tax form.
“So the houseguests are ready to compete,” Julie said, and then paused for about 14 years. “Uh oh. It looks like the scramble-verse is about to twist up premiere night.” She told them, “you need to know the scramble-verse has just changed the game. … The game has been scrambled, and you are not competing to become HOH. That’s right, this is not a Head of Household competition. This is a nomination competition.”
I don’t think any of them heard her because they’d all slipped into unconsciousness. But yes, the losers were nominated for eviction, before an HOH was appointed, which effectively turns Big Brother into Survivor, if challenge losers are going to be the only ones who are vulnerable.
The first challenge was to undo a puzzle, placing the pieces in a box—so really, a puzzle, though I’ll give it points for cleverness. What makes great television? Watching people run back and forth to retrieve puzzle pieces without talking, with discordant stock music appearing from nowhere to fill the space.
“Remember: the key here is, don’t be last in this competition. Otherwise, you will be nominated for eviction tonight,” Julie said, in case any of them dozed off earlier.
Big Brother challenges have definitely improved in recent years, at least in terms of set design, though plenty still involve giant phalli and stuff ejaculating in people’s faces.
Cory was the fourth loser, so both players related to Survivor players are in danger. Cory lost the final, lying-on-the-ground competition, where Julie said he’d “disappear into the nether-region. How long will they be gone? Only the Scary-verse knows.”
Does the Scary-verse also know the most-common definition of nether regions?
After that, everyone went inside, where Cirie Fields was there with champagne. “For the first time ever, a Survivor legend will be playing Big Brother,” Julie said.
That it’s taken 23 years for someone to go from Survivor to Big Brother really tells us something about Big Brother, and so does the fact that this premiere felt like it was 23 years long. Just 99 days to go.
These four challenges? Bad television, even the ejaculating one.
When people completed the first puzzle and pressed their buzzer, there was no sound or hoopla. A dim light turned on, and after a long pause, Julie switched herself back on to declare them the winner or runner-up.
Oh: The first three people nominated for eviction were three of the four Black players: Jared, Kirsten, and Felicia. I share Maryanne Oketch’s reaction.
“The four of you make this look easy,” Julie said during the fourth challenge, as NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED. This show and what it does to me!
Cory was the fourth loser, so both players related to Survivor players are in danger. Cory lost the final, lying-on-the-ground competition, where Julie said he’d “disappear into the nether-region. How long will they be gone? Only the Scary-verse knows.”
Does the Scary-verse also know the most-common definition of nether regions?
After that, everyone went inside, where Cirie Fields was there with champagne. “For the first time ever, a Survivor legend will be playing Big Brother,” Julie said.
That it’s taken 23 years for someone to go from Survivor to Big Brother really tells us something about Big Brother, and so does the fact that this premiere felt like it was 23 years long. Just 99 days to go.
